This is no big deal because I lived by myself for a long time. In fact, I find myself easily reverting back to my single ways. For example, last night I dined on pita chips and humas while organizing my files and watching Ally McBeal. I have always been a bit of a wild child.
However, there is one thing I cannot handle on my own: Big Texas Bugs. They always seem to launch an offensive against me while Dan is on a trip. So, of no surprise, while taking Kadira outside last night I opened the back door and a giant hornet zoomed inside.
Que panic attack.
I don't need to go over my fear of bees/hornets/wasps again, it has been chronicled on my blog many times before.
From the window outside, I watched it swirl around my living room and considered my options. My typical modus operandi would be to lock myself in a bedroom and shove some towels under the crack in the door while waiting for someone to save me. However, I had stuff I needed in the living room so a mental breakdown wasn't really an option.
Thus, I decided I was going to have to man up and kill the little motherfucker myself...
How to Kill a Bee That's Invaded Your House
A Step By Step Guide for Wannie Babies
(1) Run inside and grab your unattended glass of wine. Run back outside and sit on you patio drinking it until you summon up the courage to go back inside.
(2) Run into your bedroom and put on sweatpants, a sweatshirt (hood up to protect your ears), and gloves. Try to ignore the fact that its 107 degrees outside and you are dressed to go hiking in Antarctica. This attire is necessary to protect yourself from a counter attack. Pray it doesn't aim for exposed eyeball.
(3) Get a boot, stick it on the edge of a long pole (mop, broom, whathaveyou).
(4) Track down the bee and wait for it to land on a solid surface, such as a wall.
(5) Smoosh it! HURRY!!! SMOOSH IT WITH THE BOOT AT THE END OF THE POLE REALLY FAST BEFORE IT ATTACKS YOU!!!!!
(6) Look at the dead bee and think to yourself, "well that was anticlimactic."
(7) Run around the room singing the theme song from Rocky.
(8) Yell at dogs not eat the bee carcass.
(9) Vacuum up dead bee so you don't have to touch it (gross).
And there you go! I didn't even die! Easy Peasy! Just call me Melissa the Exterminator!
3 comments:
I love this. Especially the part involving wine. Alcohol is a necessity for dealing with bugs.
How are you liking Ally McBeal? I got the full series last year for Christmas and made it through a disk and a half before I got distracted.
This is hilarious!
I would have screamed like a little girl if I saw a hornet come in my house. I am so impressed that you killed it by yourself! Nicely done.
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