This post took me awhile because Oprah made me die. Both figuratively and literally. Figuratively because "I died" when I saw her in the Rachel Zoe context. Literally, because oh my god I am fairly certain terrorist suspects are treated better then the physical pain I endured to see this woman.
I'll start at the beginning, roughly 3:40 AM when the alarm went off and I heard the drip drip drop of raindrops on our roof. I immediately was disappointed. But who was I to be so confident it would not rain? I lucked out with a rainless wedding, there was no way I could luck out for a rainless Oprah show taping too. I stubbornly took a shower and straightened my hair anyways. I did use waterproof mascara.
I decided against bringing the SLR camera because I was worried it would get hurt in the shuffle and damaged from the rain. This turned out to be a good decision, although I'm a little bummed at the quality of my photos since the SLR spoils me.
We hit the road at 5:30, and by "we" I mean Dan and I. Yes, how great is my husband? I can't get him to sit through an Oprah show with me at home, but he was willing to get up at the crack of dawn to keep me company in line. I owe him big and told him that I would watch the entire Lakers season (Secret Confession: I would probably have to do this anyways, its just that now I have to do it with a better attitude).
After driving downtown, we took the Dart into the fairgrounds because we had strategically devised through our excellent investigative techniques (cough driving down to the fair and asking people the day before) that the gates AND parking opened at 7AM. In hopes to beat those who had to park their car we left our car and took public transportation.
The line was not too bad at 6:30...but there were three other entrances so I was initially concerned about where we would be in line when all three entrances merged. For some reason I was under the assumption that when you're dealing with Oprah fans there would be some level of order, but I was wrong. When they opened the doors at 7 AM, I am not kidding you, it was like a frenzied panic of people RACING to get to the main stage unlike anything I had ever been a part of before.
I am not a sprinter people, and about halfway I thought I was going to DIE but Dan kept yelling "HOW BAD DO YOU WANT TO SEE OPRAH! NO STOPPING!" and I was like "AHHHH I WANT TO SEE OPRAH" and thanks to my "coach" we beat everybody from our gate (roughly 50 people) and were in the front of the line with only a few from other lines in front of us.
By around 7:30 we were shuttled into the main stage area and we managed to get spots literally in the center of the stage with 2 people in front of us. However, had I known that we were going to have to stand by the people we did for the next 4 hours I would have gladly moved back a little because they were obnoxious. Poor Dan was sandwiched between two very large overzealous women for most of the day. And oh the cowboy hats, SO RUDE! Those things are huge and WE CAN'T SEE OVER THEM! (see picture below.) This is not a rodeo people, this is Oprah.
Then came three hours of stage check. First the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, which was a trip because I totally watch(ed) their show on CMT and the really evil couches were there yelling at them just like they do in the show.
Ali was dancing with them...kind of...which we first thought she was merely doing a stand-in for Oprah but later in the show...well, I'll get to that.
Then Martina McBride came out and practiced her performance, which I was soon to learn would be the first of three times I would hear her performance that day. She was wearing a super cute long, gray sweater and her hair looked awesome. She did, however, need to eat a sandwich as her legs were probably about the size of my lower forearms.
Then there was lots of stage hullabaloo and my lower back started to hurt and my chest was still burning from my impromptu sprint I did not train for. People started getting really annoying and smelly and were WAY too invasive in my personal space bubble. Someone passed out/had a heart attack...and I really started to wonder if I was going to make it much longer with out stomping on the foot of the women in back of me who thought it would be a good idea to wear a huge styrofoam cowboy hat that caused so much static electricity the back of my hair was standing straight up.
That's when I saw it. From behind the curtain just peeking out were two red Kenmore washer and driers, my dream. I manically clawed at Dan's arm and said "Do you think they are for us???" "No I don't think they are for us, there are too many people here." Dan said, but it was too late. I was already daydreaming about doing laundry with pretty appliances of wonder and glory. Keep reading.
Then Sally Lou, Oprah's audience supervisor came out, and she was cute as a button until she started listening to all the people's crazy stories and let people throw things on stage. At some point I was holding a pickle in a bag with everybody screaming "GIVE IT TO SALLY!" so I of course handed it to Dan and he practically threw it on stage because at the time we thought it was a bag of pee. Sally, for some reason, was very excited about the pickle, which was...I am not kidding you...chicken flavored and made by a women who was just released from prison. At some point the crazy pickle making women got a hold of the mike and would not stop screaming "OPRAHHHHOPRAHHHH" at a decibel that probably fooled the entire region into the thinking a tornado was approaching.
But it was all worth it because when Oprah came out in her Stetson cowboy hat and her cute yellow sweater my eyes welled up with tears of joy. Dan flashed me an angry look as he whispered "you didn't even cry at our WEDDING!"
THEN out came NATE AND GAIL!!! I mean SERIOUSLY the entire gang was there! How lucky was I? Ali, Nate, Gail AND Oprah! I was in heaven.
They did some state fair bake/cook off and the winners proceeded to get my Kenmore washer and driers. I kept waiting for Oprah to say "AND THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE GETS WASHERS AND DRIERS!"... but she didn't. Since when does Oprah give away stuff to her guests and not the audience?
When Martina McBride came back out on stage I had to do a double take because her cute outfit from earlier had been changed into some quasi-slutty bedazzled thing with a shear back. I mean not that she can't pull it off, but I personally preferred the Mom sweater to the Britney wannabe get-up. Hence time #2 we heard Martina's performance.
I kept telling Dan how we had to watch Oprah sing along because that is my favorite part of all of Oprah's shows where she features a musical guest. You Oprah fans know what I am talking about, how Oprah always sings along to all of her guest's songs with such enthusiasm and somehow seems to know all the worlds but never quite the melody? Well, we figured out that she just reads the lyrics off the teleprompter - which is ingenious and I am so happy I got to watch Oprah lip sync in person.
Then there was some mix up with the audio and we had to listen to Martina sing for a third time. Don't get me wrong, I really like Martina McBride but consequently I had "This One's For the Girls" stuck in my head for the next 8 hours.
Finally, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders came out and did their little dance with Ali. I have two comments on this.
1. Ali rocked that uniform like nobody's business. I hate her.
2. One of the girls on the left side of the stage if you are facing it had a MAJOR wardrobe malfunction. Dan and I are currently betting on how they are going to remedy it when they show it on television.
Then Oprah thanked everybody for coming and all I could think of was "Seriously? Where is my washer and drier???"
At the end of the day I am super excited to check "Attend a taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show" off my life list (especially since it has been on it since the 7th grade). The show is supposed to air next week, so definitely watch and look for me standing right in front of the women with the ridiculous pink styrofoam cowboy hat.